Floating In Mindfulness:
Handling Disappointment
by Maya Frost
Feeling disappointed? It's
time to float.
The time-honored approach
to disappointment generally involves a fair
amount of wallowing followed by a concerted
effort to move on. Okay, this can work. But
a more mindful approach includes an interim phase
between these two. It's a unique opportunity to "float".
When things don't go our way—whether
we're talking about election results, a job interview,
a proposal at work, or a relationship—we naturally
feel disappointed. We had hoped for the best, even
expected the best (hey, we know about human motivation
techniques, after all) and this apparent failure hits
us pretty hard.
So, the first step is to feel
the emotion. Go ahead. Mad? Frustrated? Depressed?
It's okay to allow yourself to feel it. You can commiserate
with others or wallow alone--it's your choice.
Now, here comes the mindfulness
part:
Take one giant step
back. Step away from the swirl of thoughts
and emotions and simply look at it in a sort of interested
bystander way. It's as though you have a clipboard
and you're taking note of your response.
1) Scan your body.
How does disappointment feel physically? Is it affecting
your digestion, your sleep, your movement?
Scan your body for pain and
tightness. Notice how your forehead feels, your cheeks,
your jaw, your neck, your shoulders. Take a look at
your face in a mirror. What does disappointment look
like?
Continue to pass over your
body mentally, noticing any pain, discomfort, tingling
or tightness. Be sure to check your own personal trouble
spots, whether that's your lower back, your knees,
or your belly.
We tend to develop habitual
physical responses to strong emotions. Make sure you
are familiar with yours. Paying attention during mindful
moments like this is your best defense against disease.
Our hot spots can teach us a great deal, but during
times of stress, we tend to focus on our thoughts
instead of our bodies. Don't miss this opportunity
to learn more about yours.
2) Scan your mind.
Watch your thoughts go by as though you are watching
a parade. No need to jump on any float as it passes.
You're not the rodeo queen on a prancing horse, or
the festival princess waving to the crowd. You're
a spectator. Watch.
3) Separate.
Whenever we are disappointed, our past disappointments
bubble to the surface. Things get stirred up, and
our accompanying emotion often has more to do with
the cumulative effect of our lifelong disappointments
than this particular one. We tend to catastrophize
and lump it all together into one big fat Disappointment
Package.
Don't let that happen. Look
at this one incident as totally separate from the
others. Each float stands alone.
4) Float.
I call this the "Float between Floats" approach.
Now that you are watching this parade of floats without
climbing aboard any of them, turn your attention to
that brief moment between them. Sure, you know another
one is coming. It's not quite in front of you yet.
There is nothing you can do but wait. No sense spending
your time or energy setting expectations that it will
be spectacular. No point in worrying that it will
be disastrous. Hold that space and float in it.
Settle into mindful watching--of
your body, your mind, and the world around you.
It is an opportunity to go beyond wound licking. Watch
as your thoughts change from “Why?” to
“What can I do next?” We tend to jump
into action—retaliatory, self-protective or
simply distracting—without gleaning our most
important lessons from disappointment.
The ability to "Float
between Floats" will provide clarity and comfort.
Use this time to develop your awareness. It will help
you recognize the power of mindfulness and the endless
stream of floats that pass by.
All things considered, it's
one heckuva parade.
